The Taming Of The Toad
Sept. 22, 2000 story, one
This Worm's for You !
A Frog Story: Every couple of days I dig up a bunch of worms to feed to my fish. I usually stand on the small wood dock, across from the large waterfall. Worms are also the preferred snack of our resident frog prince, Budweiser, so I always toss across a few to Budweiser. He is usually sitting on his favorite rock, which is adjacent to a pair of statuary frogs (honest) just to the left of the large waterfall. This past Sunday while I was doling out the worm snacks, I looked to the favorite rock and didn't see Budweiser. I continued standing pondside, tossing worms to my fish, when all of a sudden from the corner of my eye, I saw a rapid movement. I tuned to my left to see the normally stationary Budweiser sitting on he pond's edge. In a frenzy, he was shifting his head and legs frantically back and forth in rapid succession trying to get my attention. If I did not see this for myself would have not believed it! I am quite certain that if frogs could talk, I would have heard, "Hey Cliff, I'm over here!" I had to go back to my worm farm to dig up more worms just for Budweiser. . . This is a true story... Cliff
The Hound And The Butterfly
March 18. 2000 story, two
The Attack !
A Butterfly Story: The first attack was last spring. I was working in my garden when Joann brought to my attention that there was a beautiful little Mourning butterfly sunning himself pondside on a rock. We had read that they are called Mourning butterflies because they are black with white ragged lace trim on the tips of their wings, resembling a "widow's mourning cloak." Joann also reminded me that they are very territorial (of course I paid no attention to her warning). Well, when I bent down to get a closer observation, the butterfly began dive-bombing my head. I quickly retreated. He kept up the attack, and began chasing me. I finally had to run into the house. We aptly named him "The Terminator."
Well, just this past Sunday, when our security hound, CJ, was making his usual patrol rounds, he spotted the Terminator sunning himself pondside on a rock. . ( We also read that Mourning butterflies are the first butterflies to arrive in spring.) Well, C.J. started his investigation by giving the Terminator "a little sniff" (big mistake!). The beautiful little butterfly quickly darted up for a few seconds to assess the situation, then turned and faced the hound ...and... the attack began! Joann quipped, "Do ya think that butterfly knows that he's attacking a security hound?" With a vengeance the "little tough guy" chased the hound all over the yard. We did not believe what we were witnessing. The hound was running away at full speed with his tail between his legs, looking back in horror! The beautiful little butterfly relentlessly kept up the attack until the poor dumbfounded hound, with a mug full of terror and embarrassment, retreated to the safety of our house. And, its a good thing for the little butterfly that he did, because we think that C.J. came very close to losing his temper! It was the funniest episode we have seen pondside yet. We are still laughing... This is a true story... Cliff
A Prime Piece of Real Estate
June 11, 2000 story, three
"Quack, Quack ,Quack"
A Duck Story: This was a couple of weeks ago. Joann noticed two ducks had landed in our yard. She was speechless (for the first time in my life) and all she could do was point outside through the window. Well, I looked out the window and saw a pair of mallard ducks had landed in the middle of our yard and were walking about surveying the property. The male then flew up on our deck awning followed by his mate. They sat up there for a about ten minutes. While they were discussing the prime piece of real estate that they had just discovered, I was loading my camera and Joann was imagining their conversation. He says: "Well, babe what do you think? How do you like this spot?" She says: "Oh, honey, I love it, I love it, it looks sooo peaceful, and has sooo many plants to snack on, and it looks like such a wonderful place to raise a family ... and quack, quack, quack" They then flew down and landed smack into the middle of Dogpatch Creek. They were happily swimming about, while I snapped a few photos. Too bad we had to send out our hound to chase them away. For a few brief moments, nature was at its ultimate at Dogpatch Creek...This is a true story... Cliff
A Beagle by Any Other Name Is Still a Beagle
July 4, 2000 story, four
The Woebegone Hound!
A hound story: I just finished the installation of new French doors and screens in our den. We removed the old broken down screens years ago. The screens were going to be an adjustment for the hound. No longer could he bounce in and out at will, and I think that made him sad. However, I was beaming with elation to have this project completed. Before cleaning up, I decide that a cold Bud in hand, pondside break was in order. The warm sunshine, the singing birds and the softly chirping baby birds contribute to my good mood. The familiar sounds and smells of summer are just incredible. It always brings me back to the dreamy summer days of my childhood. It was a perfectly peaceful,nostolgic summer day ...Suddenly a very bad sound permeated the entire atmosphere! The sound of my hound, wailing out with a deafening howl! He dug his way to the freedom trail again! I jumped in my car to follow the sound that was responsible for disturbing the peace on this otherwise perfect day. I sheepishly removed my hound from my neighbor's lawn, grateful that I wasn't pulling him off my neighbor's garbage! When I got the hound inside the gate, I grabbed hold of his two jowls lifting him slightly off the ground. I looked directly into his big browns and yelled "BAD DOG! BAD DOG! Satisfied that he's sufficiently terrorized, I released him. He turns on his heels and bolts full speed ahead, zero to sixty in five seconds flat! Suddenly, I hear Joann scream. CJ nooooooo!!! I dash to the backyard...It was like a cartoon... the new screen had a huge hole in it, resembling a dashing beagle, flopping ears and all! . . . I could hear Joann from inside the house, "You @*X#%# mutt"... look what you just did!.. You #%X@#%X*. mutt." The pitiful hound with the "screen nose" shook for fifteen minutes! This is a true story.... Cliff
My Sofa, My Sofa, My Beagle For a Sofa
July 7, 2000 story, five
Dog Day Afternoon Blues!
Another Hound Story: Our hound, C.J., has tremendous spirit and is quite smart (we think), as Beagles go. We overlook the fact that he's extremely stubborn, lazy and almost totally lacks courage. Practically everything scares this hound to death, except for squirrels. We appreciate that squirrels live in perfect harmony with the birds. However, there are too many squirrels! They have wrecked our bird feeders, which are all held together with duct tape. When we've had enough of the squirrel antics, we send out the hound to chase them. He absolutely loves this assignment. He runs out howling loudly, proudly wearing his courage like a suit of armor. When his mission is accomplished he prances back, inflated ego intact, to receive his accolades. A few weeks ago it was hot! Unseasonably hot! I wander into the den and see CJ, sprawled out on the den sofa, with his head on a soft pillow, fast asleep and gently snoring under the whispering ceiling fan. I told you this hound was smart! He sure looked cool and comfy on this "dog day afternoon." I look out to see the squirrel invasion. Timing is everything, I think to myself. I command the hound, "CJ, go get those squirrels!" The hound opens both eyes, his head still remaining on the pillow, gives me a sidewards glance that says "are you kidding pa?" He then closes his eyes, gently sighs,and continues on with his long summers nap! With all the authority I could muster, I again, give the command, CJ! CJ! GO GET THOSE SQUIRRELS! And this is what happened, the lazy hound, opens up his eyes, picks up his head, bellows out with three horrific howls, than puts his head back down on the pillow, sighs, closes his eyes and goes back to sleep! zzzzzzzzz This is a true story...sigh!... Cliff
"THE FRIGHT OF THE BUMBLE BEE"
May 13, 2001 story, six
"The only good bug is a lady bug" Joann
A Bee Story . . . This happened early Sunday morning. I noticed this busy little bumble bee hopping in and out of a round little hole that he had bored in the soft redwood awning frame covering our deck. It was fascinating watching him flying in and out of his perfectly shaped little doorway to his new home. Early spring is such a delightful time. It's so captivating to watch little creatures setting up their nests to start their new little families. I supposed that was what he was doing. I was peacefully reflecting on this until... Joann wandered out.This was not going to be beneficial to my new little friend. Bugs, Bugs, she often queries, "Why do we need them anyway?"..Unaware of his presence, she begins setting up her potting station, which is located not far from the new nest! Amazingly after spotting our new little tenant, Joann courageously informs me that the little varmint could stay only if he can share the space in perfect harmony and keep his distance. I am in awe of her calm demeanor. Could this be true? She's no longer afraid of bugs? While mumbling something like, "besides a dead bug, the only good bug is a lady bug", Joann begins to fill the clay pots with freshly mixed soil. Suddenly she begins to scream! The busy little guy was buzzing rapidly around her head! As the bee becomes increasingly more threatening, I try and assure her (between screams) that bumble bees don't bite . . . "Who said they don't bite?" she wailed, "the same aeronautical engineers that proclaim, It's impossible for bumble bees to fly because they are aerodynamically imbalanced, their bodies are too heavy and their wings too small!" My aggressive little friend continues to threaten her, and chases her (screaming all the way) into the house! I could hardly suppress my laughter . . . To contribute to her already irritated mood I began to sing that old rock n roll favorite, "The birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees and that thing called l-a-a-ove! ... Minutes later, a somewhat frazzled Joann returns, stamping her foot and demanding I had better do something! "Why don't you just move your potting station, I inquire?" " Me!?! "Why should I move!?!" "I'm not bothering anybody!" she whined,"Why don't you tell that # z*@*x % bee to get lost, cause I'm not moving! ... and blah, blah, blah!... So,to shut her up, I fetch my ladder and sadly cover up the perfect little hole with duct tape. Grateful that I at least re-established the peace and quiet in the neighborhood, and hoping the little guy would quickly find a new home, I continue on with my pondside fun, uh, I mean chores . . . Suddenly, again I hear that familiar piercing scream! "Cliff! Cliff! Hurry! Hurry! Take off the tape! He has a mate and you buried her alive! " ( Like it was all my idea) "Hurry Cliff! She's gonna suffocate!" You could actually hear the little bee's mate trying to chew her way out! The duct tape was rapidly pulsating in and out and a tiny hole appeared! I firmly proclaim that "this is an example of what can happen when you try and change the natural order of things !" Smugly, I dash back to the garage for my ladder, remembering an old story . . . something about a murdered wife . . . and a cat buried in the brick wall . . . and wondering if this adventure would have been worthy of an Edgar Allen Poe short story! By the time I return to rescue the little bee, Joann was frantic, and the little bee's still trying to chew her way out through the tape! ...Heroically, I rip off the tape, while Joann mockingly sings "Here he comes to save the d-a-ay!"...Fast foward a few minutes . . . The little bee is hopping in and out of his new little home . . . Joann is busy moving her potting station w-a-ay to the other side of the deck... and I get in the last song... "The birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees and that thing called l-a-a-ove"! . . . This is a true story ...smirk! ...Cliff
It's Not Easy Being "Moss Green!"
June 5, 2001 story, seven
"IN A WORD". . . "Extraordinary!"
A Fish Story. . . Words, words, there are a lot of them, and many ways to use them. There are many words to describe koi. The first ones that come to mind are... amazing and spectacular, that best describes their aura. Words to define their beauty... striking and magnificent. As far as words that best describe their demeanor... regal and majestic, I think say it best. Words that best portray their personality, well I guess that would be... friendly, and curious. To wrap up all these words and put them together "in a word" that best describes koi, my pick would be... "extraordinary!" Having said all that first, I would now like to tell you... what these #$%@#&% fish are doing to my plants! Starting with my various floating plants, they are always munching on them. The intense sounds of the gnawing and chewing resonate loudly in my head! These fish are really beginning to get on my nerves! After they devour all my floating plants, my potted plants such as my beloved water lilies are under attack! They love to dig in the pots. Why? I don't know why! I can only imagine they are digging for worms. They are crazy for worms! Which, I give them practically everyday. But, no! That is still not enough! They still have to dig and dig with their heads buried deep in the muddy pots, tails flip flopping wildly back and forth in a frenzy! I tried putting stones on top of the dirt in the pots, only to have these beasts suck them up, wash them around in their mouths and spit them out! Helplessly, I watch as my beloved water lilies float topside. It calls for desperate measures! Like a madman, I jump in my pond and rescue my cherished lilies, replanting them and putting big, big, rocks on top of the pots! This is war, I declare! It's me against them! man vs. beast! Who posesses the superior intelligence!?! I remind myself, as I place another big rock on top of my lily pot! Let me see them suck up these boulders and spit them out! ...They are beginning to plot against me, I know it! After that, they seemed to band together like little soldiers, and begin their assault on my precious moss-rocks! Oh no! Not my moss rocks! I love my moss-covered rocks! At the risk of sounding like I'm whining . . . It took years, under the most absolutely perfect conditions, just enough moisture and sunlight for these rocks to look so awesome, snugly blanketed in lovely "moss green!" They are so beautiful that even a color was named after them! Oh my moss! My beautiful moss! These... striking koi actually have to lift themselves up halfway out of the water in order to reach the rocks, so that they can rip the moss from the rocks! I mean, ripping it off like a bad toupe! Then they have a tug of war, which in itself would be an awesome sight, if it weren't for the fact that they are ripping and tearing my precious moss to shreds! Shimmering boldly through out the water, they continue to tug and rip my beautiful moss. . . then they eat it! ... So... like there is no plant life left in the pond for the eggs to survive, you know, when and if they can stop eating long enough to get amorous, that is! I begin to get worried . . . maybe I'm never gonna have spectacular little koi babies! So, I wonder what can I do? A simple plan, yes, I need a simple plan, I think! Alas, I come up with an ingenious plan! I'll float some of my leafy Euonymus plants in the pond. What a great idea! When they spawn, the eggs will be attached to the leaves, and than I'll simply pick up the plant and gently place it in my small pond to hatch! Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant, I smugly think to myself! I cut off several leafy branches and toss them into the pond at sunset! Ah! Something new, my courious koi think, as they fearlessly approach the unfamiliar foliage, weaving and bobbing around estatically, boiling the water in excitement! ..Ah ha! I think to myself, they get the idea already! Maybe my majestic koi, are finally having thoughts of amour! ....Early the next morning, I return pondside, full of anticipation and eager to see whatzsup!. . . In utter amazement, I watched as my regal and magnificent koi, were boldly weaving throughout the pond, with the large and "now leaf-less" Euonymus branches firmly positioned in their jaws!!! I was just flabbergasted at this sight! All I could do was stand there totaly astounded by these amazing koi, watching them lug around the stripped branches, while in my head, I swear I could hear the background music to that movie, ya know, the one with the killer shark! ... thun, thun, thun, thun!.. thun, thun, thun thun!... I'm beginning to wonder (?) maybe I'm loosing this war! After all, I'm just one mortal man, and there is an army of them!... Who wants amazing little koi babies anyhow?...and yes, what best describes koi "in a word"... "extraordinary!"... This is a true story ...shrug... Cliff
"Just Like A Fish Out Of Water!"
June 8, 2001 story, eight
The Ordeal!
Another fish story...Mule is his name. He's a hybrid, and as a fry I called him quasi-koi. When he grew bigger, I began to call him Mule. I thought Mule sounded a bit more dignified. He's a high-spirited little guy, and like his koi buddies, he's gentle and friendly.. He's not the least bit shy like my friend Ron's fish. He has a pond full of bashful fish. They hide deep in the bowels of the pond, only to come up to nip their floating food, than dart back down silently and deeply! So, I come up with another great idea... I'll give Mule to Ron, so that maybe Mule can influence Ron's skittish fish to become a smidgen more spirited... Moving day... It was a warm spring evening, I net Mule, drop him into a five gallon bucket and throw the bucket into the back of my station wagon for the trip to his new pond...later that same evening...Joann and I are sharing a pondside drink..."So, how'd it go at Ron's today?" she inquires. "Oh fine I guess, Mule survived the ordeal." "The ordeal?" she quizzes. "Yeah, I say, "the poor little guy"..."the poor little guy?", she says. "Yeah," I say... "Well tell me, what happened," she says. "O.K., well first I dropped him in the bucket and threw him into the back of my wagon and.... "with water in the bucket?" she quips." "Oh yeah," I say, "and it's a good thing that I remembered the water, because that's what saved his life!" "Why is that?" she probes." "Because of the splash!" I say. "The splash?" She says. "Yeah, the splash... I'm driving along the highway and I hear a splash, I think that maybe Mule is just having a little jump, so I look in the rear view mirror and catch Mule lying on his side, on the bed of the wagon.... "Out of the water?" She cracks! "Of course, he jumped out of the bucket!" I say, "But, how could ya see into the bed of the wagon from the front seat?" she inquires. "Oh yeah, that is the amazing part, it was because of the sun... "The sun?" she says. Yup, the sun! "It was hitting the back window just right, so that when I looked into the rear view mirror, I could see Mule's reflection in the back window, from my rear view window, it was like a hologram, like the.... " hologram in the haunted house in Disney?" she interrupts. "Yeah, just like that," I say. "Wow, that is amazing... so, what did you do then?" she queries, "Well, first I pull the car over and jump out...I open my trunk, and there is Mule lying on his side breathing heavy like a fish out of water and... "Then what did you do ?" she says "Well first I picked him up and brushed off all the pine needles and.... "The pine needles?" she says. "Yeah, the pine needles!" I say."What pine needles!?! she says! "The pine needles that he rolled in... "He rolled in pine needles?" she says. "Yeah!, I say, the pine needles in my trunk from..."Oh nooo!"..."you mean from last years Christmas tree!?!" she says, "Yes, yes!" I say.. "Unbelieveable!"...she says, pausing to sigh deeply ..."Well, hurry up tell me, what did you do then?"..."I mean to be more specific, what did you do with Mule, after you brushed off the pine needles!?!" she asks! "Well, what do you think I did!?! I exclaimed, "I grabbed the fish in my two hands, ran into the middle of traffic, flaring my arms and screaming... "Is there a Ichthyologist in the house!!!" ... Joann is still cracking up...This is a true story... snicker...Cliff
"Going out on limb!"
July 4, 2001 story, nine Zoom To The Moon!
A funny story . . . I was really high . . . about 30 feet up the extension ladder. I have been intending to cut down that limb forever. And of course, the limb was a dead center over my pond. I had the ladder tied to the left side of the limb and a rope around the right side of the limb, the side I was cutting down. I'm holding the rope in my left hand while cutting down the limb with my right hand. "Hey Cliff, why do you have the limb tied? My Fraulein inquires. "So after it's cut, I can lower it down gently, instead of it crashing into the pond." I said. How smart she must think I am, I think to myself. "You tied the limb, but you're not tied, how smart is that?" she cracks, "shouldn't you tie yourself to the limb in case the ladder breaks and you fall?" "Nope" I said, "What!?! she said. "You would rather fall then safely hang from the tree?" "Why is that?" she asks. "Well if the ladder breaks and I'm hanging from the tree, who's gonna get me down, you!?!" I said . . . "Well, she said, "I could call the fire department or something, couldn't I?" "Oh yeah, and I'll just dangle here, while you call the fire department . . . "no! I don't think so, I rather take my chances," I said. Then she said, "How about this, what if I hold the rope, this way you could have a free hand to hold onto the ladder, and when the limb is cut, I'll quickly pull the rope toward me very fast and the limb will fall on the deck instead of the pond!" Now she has my attention! Slowly, I turned to look at her . . . "What!?! "If you did that, the limb that my ladder is tied too will spring up and I'll get catapulted straight up to the moon!" I said. Typically she begins cracking up! . "Sure, I guess you think that would be hilarious, hey, think of the funny story you could write!" I said. She went back into the house, laughing her head off! ... Later Joann told me that when I said, "to the moon," It reminded her of the honeymooners, when Ralph would say, "Your gonna to go to the moon Alice!" She still can't think about it without cracking up . . . Baby you're the greatest! . . . This is a true story...Cliff
